If you have considered a birth doula, or even gotten to the point of inviting interviews with candidates who look like your “type of doula,” then you may have considered or asked, “How many births have you done?” My surrogacy birth experience taught me that the number does not really tell much of a story.
When I was asked to support a surrogate family a few months back, I had no problem sharing that I had had no experience with this type of birth, but that my heart and head leapt at the chance to do so. Once I agreed to travel with them, we began to prepare for their baby’s birth 875 miles from home.
My clients’ journey to parenthood was long and winding, not always focused on surrogacy, but arriving at that decision was well-researched. Surrogacy laws vary greatly – Michigan will imprison and fine for commercial surrogacy while other states are welcoming, and there is some middle-ground in other states still. In a time when we are clarifying pronouns and calling for sensitivity to identity and roles, there are so many times I stop to check my own biases and language in the birth world. I love it, even when I fall short. Prior births did not prepare me for what parents who use a gestational carrier experience when choosing this option to build their family.
This surrogacy birth was full of moments when the need to change to my approach as well as my perspective was obvious. Sometimes that need snuck-up on me, and we rolled with it. I felt loyal to this couple, defensive of their vulnerability to outsider judgement as much as I was flooded with excitement imagining how they might feel after waiting 40 years to hold their beloved baby. As the days past, it became clear that some folks verbalize assumptions that are unintentionally hurtful. While most people do not mean harm, it can happen when we fail to take pause before speaking.
During active labor, I was invited into the labor space by the surrogate, and supported her through natural labor until that baby left her body to be placed in the waiting arms of mother. The carrier, who emotionally struggled at times to meet this needs of the baby’s parents, sacrificed part of herself over nine months, in labor and will to do so into the postpartum period. She brought that beautiful baby earth-side to fill someone else’s empty arms. I did not expect to empathize with her. Being in that moment taught me that my clients were not the only ones who guarded themselves emotionally, wading into the unknown because of love and optimism. How fortunate was I to bear witness?
The surrogate birth was not the typical birth doula role for me, I had to find ways to be included, as much as to include. I personally learned the most about human potential last week. Now that I have supported one surrogacy birth, it is fair to say that the depth of my experience is not reflected in a number that a future client might ask me about. A number does not do justice to the service that I provide, nor the impact on me or the families that I serve, each of whom deliver this baby just one, single time.
I have only done one surrogacy birth. There are only about 750 births like this each year. What really matters is that I continue to say yes whenever I can to people who make me a better doula.
